In the living room, when she was 14, teen idols, boys and girls were on T.V. She would not
notice them, or look at them, or listen to them. She would just pray, and read, and cross herself
from morn till midnight.
She is 21 now and still living at home, which is fine. I like her.
She’s good company and it’s just me and her. Oh, and of course, ‘Him’, she would remind me
between her milk and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I was not was ready for this. The most her daddy thought might be coming down the pike was
that she was gay. I certainly would be fine with that. I can’t be happy unless she was happy too. But, that was not the case.
She told me she met the right guy. The guy she will be with in this life, and the next. She told me
That I knew him, but not well. No, not too well enough.
“Really? A guy from the neighborhood?" I hoped.
“Every neighborhood,” she answered.
“What’s his name? Is he Italian?" I prayed.
“Jewish,” she professed.
“Jesus. What the Hell is his name?" I asked.” “You just said his first name.” She said His last name
is Christ. “I’m going to become his bride”. She beamed. “Don’t you have to be a virgin”? One last
Hail Mary he threw”.
“I am a virgin, I have been waiting for the right one. Are you proud?” asked the penguin future
wife of The Son of God. “Holy shit,” said the other father of the bride.
Well, it was better news than her joining Isis, rehab, jail, depression, cancer, and, well I could
just go on forever, thought her daddy.
I do love her and should want what she wants and support her. He admitted to himself.
There, it’s all settled and accepted, he said to himself and the universe at large. Yeah, sure it is. He re admitted.
You can’t fight City Hall, or my kid, he reasoned.
I guess before we go any further, let’s put it this way. I love being in love with the golden rule
and how I feel I live my simple life. Afterlife sounds great too, but I still don’t know what
original sin is and why I got to believe in anything at all except live and let live.
But I didn’t make waves on my daughter’s maiden heaven voyage, he resigned.
At the corner bar the un-holy father thought he would stick his head in the Lions mouth and get
the news out before he had to hear about it. He had already heard enough.
The father of the bride hesitated a bit before entering the local watering hole. He headed right to
the bar smiling loudly.
There were about 20 others in there including the waitress and of course Burt the bartender.
The Nun's dad headed over to Burt.
“Burt, I am a lucky motherfucker I’ll tell ya. Drinks on me. One round max. No take out," he announced.
They all bellied up to the bar and collectively wanted to know what the theme of the
Celebration was. So, I just went on and told them,
“My little girl found Mr. Right and is getting married and I don’t have to pay for a wedding or
buy them a house or give them any money. I hit the jack-pot and I am going to turn her bedroom into my bowling alley trophy room. Cheers.’’ He knocked back his drink and started to think how to handle the questions about the who, what, where and when.
He slammed his glass down on the bar so hard it almost broke
He looked up. Way up.
And said, “Dear God, in this piece of shit world, with all the pieces of shit in it, present
company excluded,” he said to the audience.
“You have seen fit to brighten heaven thru my little girl. Be good to her, as I have," he pleaded.
There was an immaculate un-pregnant pause.
They must think she died or something he thought.
“My little baby is going to be a Nun, I am blessed," he proclaimed.
You could hear a prayer page drop on the shag carpet.
“It’s a good thing,” he demanded.
And lo and behold, Jesus Christ, they all went for it.
Then, Burt behind the bar yelled, another round on the house.
Booze and the Bible got along great as always.
For a second, he thought it was his fault because he named her Christine and it went to her head
and heart. Then, he let it go.
Oh, what the Hell, Heaven is lucky to get this employee. He figured.
The daddy of the betrothed took a breath and realized everything will be fine.
And everyone will get to the church on time.
Alan Berger is a writer and director with two films currently on Netflix.