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Self-deceit is my natural state of being~ By Robert Crown

4/15/2019

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“Self-deceit is my natural state of being,”
                          she said

one midsummer afternoon
when it poured with fat raindrops


of tickling cool relief from the swelter.

                          I asked,

“What does that mean?”
                          and she replied,
“I couldn’t tell you if I tried.”



She was my height and slender,
her face soft, rain falling down her cheeks like tears,


and with expressive eyes the same colour

                           as mine.

She wore a white dress, the soaked fabric

                           diaphanous,

clinging to her contours, revealing

white lace undergarments through which cream skin

                          
peeked.


“You love me better this way,”
                           she said.

“I love you differently.
      But I’m happier this way,


                          yes.”


My red t-shirt became maroon in the downpour

and my jeans were blue, ripped at the knees.

I was heavy

       with self-neglect and side effects--
​I hadn’t shaved in weeks


       and I was exhausted from the burden of
                         masculinity.

“What do you know about being a man?”
                         I asked her.



She touched my face with her small soft hand,
                         rain dripping


from my hair into my eyes,
     cascading to my chin,


the torrential shower washing away the sweat from
​                        chasing her.

“As much as you do,”
                        she replied.


“Self-deceit is my natural state of being,”
                        I said


one midsummer afternoon

alone in the rain

     standing in the middle of the road
 in the Ontarian countryside

                       and knowing

the melancholic shroud over me is the echoes

     of a fractured identity

             
crying
                        to be made whole. 


​Author Bio:
Robert Crown is a Canadian writer. Their work focuses on the complexities and contradictions of character and explores LGBTQ+ themes, psychology and philosophy while spanning multiple genres. When not writing, they produce music under the name Heretic Lies, playing several instruments including guitar, piano and ukulele. Their flash fiction appeared in Foliate Oak Literary Magazine under the pseudonym Brechin Frost, and their novelette Our Love Is Havoc is available on Amazon. They currently live in western Nova Scotia near the Atlantic Ocean, finding new inspiration in the natural beauty of the province.
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