Jittery Geoff the Celebrity Chef~ By Clyde ALWAYS

At the fanciest eatery ever there was
on a Saturday prior to service
while preparin’, the staff were all shakin’ because
they had reason to feel very nervous;
entered Jittery Geoff the Celebrity Chef
who was famously vile and British,
he could roar off your ear ‘till he rendered you deaf
(but his cookin’ was really quite shit-ish).
One unfortunate cook over-roasted the lamb
so the chef came up shoutin’ and shovin’
then he seasoned and trussed up that cook like a ham
and he stuffed the poor guy in the oven.

When the pastry-girl said that she felt underpaid
as she idly fingered a booger
came the chef with a torch and her face he brûléed
but neglected to add any sugar.
Then the sous, at the busiest part of the night
served a T-bone as tough as a fender,
that’s when Geoff went berserk on that “right piece o’ shite”
and he hammered his testicles tender.
All the servers complained in a furious mob
that the chef was a mean evildoer
so ol’ Geoff ran ‘em through on a giant kabob
with the maître d’ last on the skewer.

In the dinin’ room, diners impatient they grew
and so angry their hunger it made ‘em..
in response, complimentary liquor he threw
before Jittery Geoffrey flambéed ‘em.
All alone then was Geoff in the bar-b-que pit
jammin’ cabbages into a juicer
and about to impale his own ass on a spit
when there barged in his happy producer.
“Well your ratings are up!” the producer exclaimed,
“and I think I’m aware of the reason:
all those innocent people you butchered and maimed,
what a triumph! We’ll see you next season…”


Author Bio:
Clyde ALWAYS, for the promotion of bliss, writes and recites his own blend of tall tales and clever verses.