It’s been such a strange relationship between the both of us. I have pulled. I have resisted. And I cannot tell you this will change. But I know what your fundamentals are. They are much like mine. And maybe you are perfect. Maybe you do not make a mistake. Maybe you do not stumble as I do. But I do not want to treat you like perfection, even if that is what you are. Because I cannot relate to perfect. And I cannot tolerate,
“everything happens for a reason,” or “God does not give you anything you cannot handle.” Because there are many things that my friends and loved ones have not handled. Because suicide exists. And today, I heard two of my loved ones speak about it. I heard two of my loved ones want to switch places with the one in the casket. And I do not know if one day they will commit to this action. But today, I know they were committed to the thought. And I do not blame them for their feelings, nor the events that led them down that path. I have uttered the same words in my mind; even from my mouth. Those words were underwhelming to deaf ears. They were not carved and branded to theirs as they were to mine, which should tell you that I am not deaf nor daft. And neither are my loved ones. My ear drums burst open and my heart became colder than any winter of “To Build A Fire”. My skin emptied of light. Because my loved ones do not know they are loved. I cannot put my heart inside their chest and expect a strong beat.
God are you listening? Did you hear me? Did you hear them? Did your ear drums burst? Did your eyes cry blood? A creation such as yours feeling more like a deformation? The pursuit of happiness never made sense to me. Because for my loved ones, it is not a pursuit. it is a hunt. It is do or die. I have seen them smile. I have seen them laugh. I may have been so fortunate as to be the catalyst of both of these things. but i know that happiness, true happiness does not fade like theirs does. And true sadness looms to keep the house cold. They have true sadness. God, I do not know you. I do not hate you for those you have called. I do not weep for questions, but weep for answers. Answers I can give to my loved ones. and the only way I can see you is in the good things. I do not see you in the bad. I do not know what things you have stored for me, nor my loved ones. However, they need to see something in their good, in their happiness, in their hunt. Give them peace. the sigh of relief instead of the sigh of frustration. Her cheeks are red with the damage of her own hands. And I love her. I love her, but love does not reach a soul without peace. So let her have peace without the headstone. Because she does need rest, although not the kind she speaks about. I haven’t spoken to you in so long. I know I come to you as though I have spoken to you everyday. But today, I have witnessed my loved ones feel unloved. I do not know who else’s love is stronger. My love is not strong enough. My peace is not strong enough. I do not have enough of my own to give.
So I am looking to you.
Natalie Stewart is not a religious person. She simply had a very tough day when two people very close to her told her of their desire to commit suicide. She did not know what to do. She ran out of places to look for positive affirmations to give them. She is still unsure what to do still but she is not going to give up the hunt for answers.